Soul Mates and Twin Flames: The Runner and Chaser Dynamic

Hi ya 🙂  Wanted to put together something very quickly to help people understand the dreaded, runner/chaser dynamic in soul connection relationships.  It is applicable to all soul connections and is actually more prevalent in them.

For anyone who says this does not exist or is only something a false twin flame or false connection would do, that is just not true. It does exist.

The runner and chaser are roles that occur interchangeably for each side of the connection. Usually one person will predominately run (typically the masculine energy) and other will predominately chase (typically the feminine energy)  But they can switch.  The key thing to remember is that this is largely an unconscious pattern, making it conscious and learning how to eliminate it and do NEITHER will go along way towards making progress, either in the relationship or in the personal growth of both sides.

So what is a “runner?”  Runners and chasers, really, are actually doing the same thing.  They are running away from themselves.  Runners are not running away from you.  They run away from what they see reflected back at them, through you.  They run from the things they don’t want to see, they don’t want to do, they don’t want to change, and you bring that all up for them to deal with.  They may also run from the power of unconditional love, from the intensity of the connection, but they are still only running from themselves.  What are running behaviors?  Refusal to communicate when communication is needed, cutting all ties, disappearing, denial of the connection, self-sabotage in the form of pushing you away (creating really ugly behaviors to get you to run,) running back to easy or safe relationships, running to drugs or alcohol, running…sprinting….you get the idea. 🙂

The good news is, they can run from you, temporarily, but they can’t run from themselves forever.  Issues have to be faced, truth has to come out, and it will given enough time.

The flipside to this is the chaser.  As a result of the running behaviors, the chaser freaks out and tries to chase down the runner, which of course, only makes them run more.  The chaser too, is also running away from themselves.  They are running from their own uncomfortable feelings, their pain, their hurt, their sadness, their wounding from past situations.  All things that need to be cleared in this process.  So what will the chaser do?  Hound and harass with messages, phone calls, emails, even showing up (yeah, that is a lil stalkerish….don’t do it!) Chasers demand a reply, a response, to be heard, something…anything…to ease this pain (which is really, very old pain most of the time that the runner has triggered off and has nothing to do with the runner.)

And the cycle continues….the beat goes on….roles are switched, and off we go on a merry go round of hell.  Get off the merry-go-round.  Don’t play this game.

Why?  First of all, realize what you are doing to someone you claim to love.  Both extremes are not loving.  Not to them, and not to yourself.

So, chasers…let em run!  Runners, stop running and everybody, let’s take a breath and stand still for a few minutes, hours, days, months, whatever it takes. Then quit pointing fingers and laying blame, and turn within and look deeeeepp, within yourself. What is there?

1.) Love for yourself and the other person, so let’s do our best to act like it.

2)  Pain that is your very own that you can clear on your own, that the other person is not responsible for.  Pain from all the times you have ran, and everything you are running from. Pain, from all the times you have chased in order not to feel pain that has built up for years.

Now, feel it to heal it.  You don’t need to run, you don’t need to chase. You can survive this. It is love, after all 🙂  This is the point when two people grow up and start facing their issues.  The swords are put down.  You take care of your own needs.  You release your demands.  You free yourself. And you do what this connection was meant for you to do—take a look at yourself and GROW. Never mind the relationship. Forget it for now.  Focus on you.

Best advice ever–focus on you.  🙂

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24 thoughts on “Soul Mates and Twin Flames: The Runner and Chaser Dynamic

  1. You might be interested in this Utube. It was done by a Scottish woman on Facebook. Her friend Neena, died of cancer in July 2013. A mutual friend, also friends with Neena and doing distance Reiki for her, told me something of the story…..how difficult the loss was for this woman. I have been able to discern for myself through her FB posts, her struggle to deal with it, to heal………… My dear friend died in August 2013, & I can relate to the process. I have had dreams & lucid dreams about her……………She has been here off and on………Your article about the runner & chaser, is a very familiar one to me, we both played those roles……….by times……….. until it was resolved finally as she was leaving………….& her realization came after her death on this plane. I am not quite ready to tell my story yet………………..I am still digesting it………it is a revaluation……….. Pat

  2. Gassspp, my mouth fell open as I was reading this, my heart beat so slow and hard, and my eyes watered stunned at the healing truth of this Victoria , Thankyou! I can’t wait to get a reading from you, and work with you on developing abilities if at all possible.
    .. blessings a million fold.. and with so much gratitude!
    You’ve helped heal 30 years of a haunting connection already!.. woohoo

    1. LOL! Hey ya Kat. Yes people are often very surprised when they come across info on the internet on this subject that is accurate, they feel like someone is inside their head! 🙂 Soul connections have so many similarities. Yes we can get the reading scheduled and the mentoring, send me an email victoriazaitz@fastmail.fm It just so happens I am having a sale now, so the timing is good 🙂

  3. Thank you so much for the information! I think I’m starting to enter the running dynamics phase, but i’m not sure who is the runner and who is the chaser. I feel as if I’m the runner because I tend to run away from him whenever I start feeling fear..but so far I’ve never ran for too long because the better sense of me thinks its childish so no matter how painful it is to face my fears i try to resist the temptation of running again, even though if it ends up in a cycle (me beginning to run and then runs back to him not long after). Does that mean I’m the runner? How long does this phase usually take?

    1. Usually one is more of a runner than the other, so there are predominate roles, but it can also switch. There is no universal time limit on any of the phases. It’s more likely to end the more aware you are of what is going on. The timing is individual in every instance. And often it is not a specific timeline, but when a lesson is completed, then change can occur.

  4. I thought we were Twin Flames. Now I don’t know anymore. I only feel excruciating pain, I don’t know how to deal with it. He blames me for not living my life on my own, for living it through him. I’ve been through a lot, we were in a long distance relationship for four years, while doing our studies, and we were best friends for four years before that. He finished and got a job and everything is more than ok on this plan with him. I, however, had a hard time being alone, I couldn’t concentrate enough and now I’m still struggling to finish with my studies. I’ve been depressed and had panic attacks and now he says he cannot take it anymore, that I let him down and not trying harder. I’ve been very alone, not making any friends, and just waiting for this to be over so that we could finally be together. It’s like I’ve put my life on pause. And now he wants out, he says he’s numb with pain and cannot even see a reason to live anymore. Maybe I’ve put too much pressure on him by relying too much on him. He was my rock. He would always encourage me and be there no matter what. I don’t know what to do, I don’t see a reason for anything anymore.

    1. Thanks for your comment! I feel for you. The pain of course has to be felt and worked through. All you can do is learn your part, which may have to do with issues about independence. However, blame needs to be called out, for blame doesn’t help anyone. Never put your life on pause for anyone. If he is your TF, putting your life on pause will not work. Focus on you and what you need to do self care wise. Both of you are reflecting this state of pain back and forth, so it is an issue of going through clearing out the feelings and finding joy again in your own life, with or without him. Very hard lessons. If you need more help contact me. Blessings to you! v

  5. I was the Chaser and after two years of my twin running and coming back into my life numerous times I finally got everything I wanted and dreamed of with this man. But now that he isn’t going anywhere and I know how much he loves me my feelings for him has changed. He relocated to live in my city and we finally have a house together. This was my dream, everything I ever wanted.I never experienced this type of love for another person. Now I feel like I want out.I don’t love him anymore like I did. Every flaw he has drives me crazy. I am no longer attracted to my twin,no longer want to be intimate with him. I’m so disappointed with the way I feel,I just don’t understand why I’ve had such a change of heart for someone I felt so much love for at one time.it’s like I for what I wanted and now I don’t want it.I know he is my twin flame 100 percent so I’m trying to be still and hope my feelings will change again, or I’m hoping I can push him to run again. I feel like I have become the runner and I don’t know why I feel like I do all of a sudden.

    1. Quite possible you have become the runner….look at why he bugs you and what he is triggering and work on clearing that. See if that helps. If you need more specific help please contact me and set up an appt. Blessings, V

    2. How did you know he is your twin? Or maybe he is just a karmic partner? Twin love does not die, against all your thoughts and feelings, you just KNOW the love persists. In all normal situations this would be a person you would swear to never get involved with — so many flaws and deal-breakers, and yet you just cannot not love that person. To me, the fact that you’ve spent four years happy together, and four years before that as friends… makes me wonder if he really is your TF, or you just “wished” he was. “Runners” don’t just stop loving their twin — in fact, they love their TF too much and they have to run. Yours doesn’t sound like a TF relationship to me — in fact, it sounded just like my last relationship, and we realized we were karmic lovers, not even soulmates.

  6. I’m so glad I found your site. I believe I have met my twin flame. I’ve been feeling delusional and confused since we met. We met at a week long training. We work for the same company. We hit it off instantly and couldn’t get enough of each other. We hung out the whole week. It’s hard to explain this feeling I have to someone who hasn’t had this experience. I thought I’d at least put all this out there. He lives in California. I live in Florida. We met in Seattle. He’s so freaking cute and funny. We just bonded instantly. I was very sad when the training was over and we had to part ways. It was like we were living parallel lives. We do the same job, like to have adventures and travel. He just ended a 7 year relationship and I was waiting for my divorce to be final. Both are broke because of moving out on our own. We kept in touch and were making plans to travel together. The things he would say to me… We are both really into music and would send each other songs. I was trying to play it cool but I fell for him. I’m pretty sure he fell for me too. The plan was for him to come to Florida and we’d kick it at the beach, take it easy. Then he just stopped communicating with me. Didn’t answer my texts. This has hurt me deeply. I’ve never felt such loss before. I’ve cried- more like sobbing. I tried to forget him. I really have. No luck. I even unfriended him from face book, deleted his phone number, and deleted him from our company instant messenger. Still, I can’t seem to move on. Our connection was intense. I find myself thinking about him all the GD time. It’s crazy. I have dreams, become sexually aroused when I think of him. It feels like I feel him or something like that. I know he was sad about his relationship ending and basically starting over… so was I. It all seemed to move so quickly. I feel like I love him but barely know him. He went from telling me how amazing and fabulous I am to NOTHING. I’m glad I came across information about twin flames. Yet, I still feel delusional. This past week I’ve been trying not think about him. Not working. Then, all of the sudden I start seeing 111 everywhere. I work in retail. Several transactions have had 111 in them. $411.13, $111.39, $31.11. I was sitting in the break room when someone was clocking out for their break. They say ” 1:11 PM, I should be able to remember that one, right? My heart starting pounding. I guess I just wanted to put this out there to see if this would help me move on. The timing isn’t right. We live on opposite coasts. I know that there are some issues I need to deal with. I feel that he does too. I just don’t understand why he couldn’t tell me that. I had a former coworker at this same training. I’ve know him for years. He was like.. you guys seem really compatible. He was surprised when I told him that he stopped communicating with me. I feel more broken hearted about this than my divorce. Out of nowhere I started road and running. It’s the only thing that keeps me level headed. I use to hate running but do it 3-4 times a week now. I even started eating Vegan so that we cold eat the same things… when we were planning this trip. I’ve lost about 15 pounds. In the best shape of my life. I look good too! I get flashes of what our life will be like in the future. Us, in love, and we have 3 girls. The flash I keep seeing is .. I’m running late for work. He’s taking the girls to the beach or park. He’s herding 2 girls, maybe 3 & 5 out the door. He has a baby bundled up in one of those sling carriers. We look at each other, kiss, and just say ” I love you more”. It’s like I can’t imagine life without him or something. I know deep down that we are both not in a place to be together… the way we want to be. That’s the hardest part. I think he thinks of me often but doesn’t know what to say. I am motivated to work on my emotional issues and really get a hold on my spirituality too. I just need someone to say.. this sounds like the real thing be patient or that I’m delusional and making all this up in my head. I wish he would reach out to me. I would hop on a plane in a second to see him. I feel vulnerable. The thought of him not feeling the same way…. How could just cut me off like that? Our last night in Seattle ,he slept in my room. When we talked a week or two after he said ” I really enjoyed waking up next to you”… who says that? He is a Sagittarius and I’m a Scorpio. Apparently, we aren’t supposed to be a good match. However, my Venus is in Sagittarius and his in Scorpio. He sent me this song… Is he telling me how he feels through this song?

    What do I do? Should I reach out to him one last time,for some closure or peace of mind? I used to look at pics of him one face book…. but unfriended him so I wouldn’t. Seeing pics of him hanging with other people looking happy while I’m miserable. Any feedback would really make my day.

    1. Hi Valerie, thanks for your message, yes it definitely sounds like a soul connection to me. Usually people do not drop off the face of the earth for no reason..so this is pretty much running. You will have to decide what you want to do with it, but look at it as what you can do to help yourself resolve the situation. If you need more help we can set up an appointment.

    2. This may or may not be TF… it could just be an emotionally unavailable man meeting someone who wants to be loved so much. Only time can tell. From my experience, I didn’t even understand what it was until 3 years later, when I should have gotten over this person but was shocked to find the love/emotion was still as strong, or even stronger, than before when we reconnected. Right now, you need to let go and stop “chasing.” Everything inside you says you should keep in contact, reach out, etc. DON’T. The best thing to do — and I lived through that myself — is to let go, as difficult as it is, and focus on yourself. The TF relationship is NOT about the relationship, it is about awakening and self-love. If you’re obsessing over the failed relationship and not even feel like YOU have to change, then it’s most likely not a TF relationship. If it is TF, you have NO CHOICE but must face yourself and change. You just feel that in your bones, instead of blaming the other person for not living up to the bargain. So give yourself time. If you still feel that way in a year, there may be something there. And trust me, if it’s a TF, he will be doing EXACTLY the same thing at the same time. That happened to me… and I spent 3 years on a self-discovery spiritual journey, healing my own wounds. And suddenly 4 years later, we reconnnected! I did not have to do anything — no chasing, no running, just minding my own business. And I realized my TF was doing EXACTLY the same thing, even the relationships we went through during that time and all the events that happened, were very similar. That was when I realized, this is in fact my TF! But it took me 3 years.

      1. Superb advice thank you Kian! I vouch and concur with all of that, it has been my personal experience as well. Time is an important element to understanding the TF connection. Time does not lessen it, ever. 🙂

  7. Thanks for your advice. I’ve heard from him since my post. This was via text.. “We met at a really crazy time in life…… no excuse. You are rad. I’m sorry for being a shit flake. I hope you are rocking it at work.” I tried really hard to put him out of my mind. It worked for awhile. Until, I started seeing his first name and last name everywhere. I’m working through some issues that stem from to my childhood. Maybe I should set up an appointment. How do I set one up?

    1. Sure. Kian also gave great insight into this, thank you Kian. 🙂 These connections have reasons, and it will help you to dig a little bit deeper to find those out and will help facilitate your healing. No matter what kind of connection it is, they are all for our personal growth. You can email me to set up the appointment at victoriazaitz@fastmail.fm Blessings, Victoria

  8. Hi there ; I would never have believed that such things were possible had I not experienced it myself six weeks ago. I met a guy (im a guy!) that profoundly altered my understanding of the universe forever as I feel this unconditional unyielding love almost instantly toward someone who at the time was a perfect stranger. I’m not someone who falls quickly or fast and this just about knocked me out of my otherwise comfortable ( and I used to think meaningful life ) . Yet I discovered this other layer of meaning I had no idea about. Hiw could I feel so familiar with someone I just nervous, what’s wrong with me ?However he had tried to break it only to come back but the hot and cold is very painful because I have this sense of longing and sadness for him in a way I can’t begin to articulate. It’s actually very difficult to cope with and it feels as though it has spun my life into chaos and I feel a bit like a crazy person …..thank you for the site .

    1. Hi Lior, thanks for reading and commenting! Yes LOL it does seem to be something that would shake up your worldview if you have not experienced it before for sure! It’s in the nature of the connection to have all the symptoms but that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, of course ie you’re not crazy! LOL. Feel free to contact me and we can set up an appointment if you need help working with the specifics. Blessings, Victoria

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