Soul Mates and Twin Flames: The Runner and Chaser Dynamic

Hi ya ūüôā ¬†Wanted to put together something very quickly to help people understand the dreaded, runner/chaser dynamic in soul connection relationships. ¬†It is applicable to all soul connections and is actually more prevalent in them.

For anyone who says this does not exist or is only something a false twin flame or false connection would do, that is just not true. It does exist.

The runner and chaser are roles that occur interchangeably for each side of the connection. Usually one person will predominately run (typically the masculine energy) and other will predominately chase (typically the feminine energy)  But they can switch.  The key thing to remember is that this is largely an unconscious pattern, making it conscious and learning how to eliminate it and do NEITHER will go along way towards making progress, either in the relationship or in the personal growth of both sides.

So what is a “runner?” ¬†Runners and chasers, really, are actually doing the same thing. ¬†They are running away from themselves. ¬†Runners are not running away from you. ¬†They run away from what they see reflected back at them, through you. ¬†They run from the things they don’t want to see, they don’t want to do, they don’t want to change, and you bring that all up for them to deal with. ¬†They may also run from the power of unconditional love, from the intensity of the connection, but they are still only running from themselves. ¬†What are running behaviors? ¬†Refusal to communicate when communication is needed, cutting all ties, disappearing, denial of the connection, self-sabotage in the form of pushing you away (creating really ugly behaviors to get you to run,) running back to easy or safe relationships, running to drugs or alcohol, running…sprinting….you get the idea. ūüôā

The good news is, they can run from you, temporarily, but they can’t run from themselves forever. ¬†Issues have to be faced, truth has to come out, and it will given enough time.

The flipside to this is the chaser. ¬†As a result of the running behaviors, the chaser freaks out and tries to chase down the runner, which of course, only makes them run more. ¬†The chaser too, is also running away from themselves. ¬†They are running from their own uncomfortable feelings, their pain, their hurt, their sadness, their wounding from past situations. ¬†All things that need to be cleared in this process. ¬†So what will the chaser do? ¬†Hound and harass with messages, phone calls, emails, even showing up (yeah, that is a lil stalkerish….don’t do it!) Chasers demand a reply, a response, to be heard, something…anything…to ease this pain (which is really, very old pain most of the time that the runner has triggered off and has nothing to do with the runner.)

And the cycle continues….the beat goes on….roles are switched, and off we go on a merry go round of hell. ¬†Get off the merry-go-round. ¬†Don’t play this game.

Why?  First of all, realize what you are doing to someone you claim to love.  Both extremes are not loving.  Not to them, and not to yourself.

So, chasers…let em run! ¬†Runners, stop running and everybody, let’s take a breath and stand still for a few minutes, hours, days, months, whatever it takes. Then quit pointing fingers and laying blame, and turn within and look deeeeepp, within yourself. What is there?

1.) Love for yourself and the other person, so let’s do our best to act like it.

2)  Pain that is your very own that you can clear on your own, that the other person is not responsible for.  Pain from all the times you have ran, and everything you are running from. Pain, from all the times you have chased in order not to feel pain that has built up for years.

Now, feel it to heal it. ¬†You don’t need to run, you don’t need to chase. You can survive this. It is love, after all ūüôā ¬†This is the point when two people grow up and start facing their issues. ¬†The swords are put down. ¬†You take care of your own needs. ¬†You release your demands. ¬†You free yourself. And you do what this connection was meant for you to do—take a look at yourself and GROW. Never mind the relationship. Forget it for now. ¬†Focus on you.

Best advice ever–focus on you. ¬†ūüôā

Dynamics of a Soul Mate Relationship

“The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand‚ÄĚ ‚ÄďRobert Vallett

Soul mate relationships follow a pattern and have many similarities in the their dynamics. ¬†One person’s experience is fairly relatable to other people’s experiences. ¬†I know this from going through it multiple times, and from reading, hearing about, and researching people’s experiences. ¬†That is what I find most fascinating about the topic. ¬†Plenty of people have new age theories about soul mates and twin flames, which are all interesting, but they can’t be proven. ¬†You would not expect a psychic such as myself to be skeptical, but I like to think that I can back up what I believe with personal experience and evidence. ¬†That is why I don’t go into theories in great detail in my classes on the subject. ¬†I present interesting thoughts, but I am sure to say they are theories, not facts. So, the pattern explained below ¬†is based on actual personal experiences of people who have been through the soul mate trip.


If you want to know what a soul mate is, please read Soul Mates 101. ¬†For the common signs that you have met a soul mate or twin flame (they are similar, especially at the beginning,) please read¬†Signs of ¬†a Soul Mate or Twin Flame.¬†Please know that when I am talking about soul mates, I am referencing a specific type of relationship. ¬†Soul mate relationships are not necessarily healthy or “good” relationships (of course, good is relative!) ¬†Because of our cultural conditioning, many people wrongly equate the term soul mate with an ideal relationship. ¬†But if you read anything worth its salt on the subject, that is not fluff, you will see that soul mates are less about things turning out exactly the way you want, and more about things turning out the way you need them to, in order to grow, as a SOUL. ¬†I will write more about what makes a spiritual partnership and a healthy relationship, as these are important, (and, what most people are really looking for,) but not necessarily the same as a soul mate.


This post is meant as an additional identifier, describing the pattern and the likely series of events so a soul mate situation can be understood for what it is, and so you understand you are not alone in this. ¬†Thousands–if not more–people are going through this right now and probably even more have been through it. ¬†People like to say that soul mates only happen to old souls. ¬†One clarification on that–I think we attract what we are and what we need, and if you are not in touch with your soul, or even recognize that you have one–you are not likely to be ready for a soul mate.


You meet a soul mate. ¬†What is this like? ¬†It varies slightly. ¬†At some point, there is what I call a “moment of recognition.” ¬†This can happen immediately, as in love at first sight (or at first type, if it is online.) ¬†Or, it can take a little bit of time. ¬†But it always happens at some point. ¬†If it hits you later, such as after being friends with someone for a while (and maybe you had not thought of them in “that way,”) it will hit you hard. ¬†If it happens immediately, you know it. ¬†It can be any number of things, from an energetic feeling in your heart chakra, third eye, or sacral chakra…to a sense of familiarity and knowing them before, to full downloads of past life memories. ¬†But you know it is different. ¬†You know you have a special connection that is probably hard to put words to.


After this, there is a strange series of events. ¬†These are detailed in the Signs of a Soul Mate or Twin Flame post. ¬†Synchronicities happen. ¬†For those of you who don’t know, this is an event that has a sense of meaning to it, it seems like a coincidence, but you know better. ¬†Example: Your soul mate’s name is Bennett. ¬†I pick that name because it is different. ¬†The next thing you know, you see Bennett on a license plate, there are songs on the radio about Bennett, you meet 3 other people named Bennett, etc. ¬†You get the idea. ¬†This is the universe’s way of saying, hey, pay attention, this is important. ¬†Generally, you will have synchronicities happen throughout the relationship, but especially at critical points, when shifts and changes are happening and you need to pay attention.


At some point, soul mates usually have psychic and telepathic communication. ¬†Awareness of this varies, and you have to be open to noticing it, but I can say that, even as a professional psychic (I was a professional when I had my first soul mate encounter), this part was intense. ¬†Example: ¬†your soul mate has chronic headaches, and now, you seem to, also. ¬†Your soul mate has a bad day, gets angry at work, and at the same moment out of the blue, you feel angry. ¬†You ask her about it later and true enough, you were correct. ¬†Your soul mate is married (c0mmon) and you know when your soul mate and husband have had a fight. ¬†You may even know what it was about. ¬†This can also be full-blown conversations–how you distinguish this from wishful thinking on your part, is–does the conversation sound like your soul mate would sound? ¬†Words they use, how they talk, figures of speech, grammar? ¬†Especially if they are telling you things that maybe you don’t like. ¬†You’re head is not going to make that up. ¬†Generally you will have a good idea about what is going on with them at any given point, even if you are no longer talking to them or you are in another country. ¬†Time and space are not relevant to this connection in the same way that Newton’s physics works. ¬†Why? Because you are connected, deeply.


Prior to meeting, you may have had a dream of meeting this person. ¬†There may be a lot of communication in dreams. ¬†I have learned a lot of things about soul mates in this way. ¬†Sometimes the SOUL of a soul mate wishes to communicate with you, but may not be able to communicate because their ego is blocking it. ¬†(Sounds a little batcrap nuts, but I assure you, it is not.) ¬†You could then have these dreams and “visits.” ¬†And yes, even sexual types of encounters, that may seem or may actually be, very physical.


You may be aware of meeting this person before, with a vague sense that maybe you have lived a past life together.  You may have memories of this, or it may play out in the dynamics of the relationship.  Example:  you have a compelling feeling that you are responsible for and need to protect your soul mate.  You are not sure where this comes from, but for some reason you are always worried about this.  You do a soul journey, or a meditation, and the source of this feeling is revealed. Maybe you could not protect her from something in the past, and now, you overcompensate.


Soul mates generally trigger some form of spiritual awakening in each other.  What does this mean?  It means even if you have only peripherally been exploring  your spirituality or you are a beginner, this now seems to be quite a large part of your consciousness and, of the connection.  You may have mystical experiences with that person that open your eyes to a whole new level of reality.  You may have transcendent sexual experiences with them that you have never had before.  You become more aware that you are a soul, having a human experience.



A lot of the above will happen when you are in contact with your soul mate, but often will still happen without any contact at all.  Which brings me to the next phase.


Meeting a soul mate is an intense experience. ¬†If someone has never met one before, chances are it’s going to scare them, at least a little bit. ¬†Heck, it will probably scare you too. ¬†Even so, it will be very hard for you to resist the connection, no matter what the circumstances are (soul mate is unavailable or married, soul mate is on another continent, etc.) ¬†You will be in a near-constant tug back to this person, usually for quite some time. ¬†But, at some point, for whatever reason, a “runner” and a “stayer” dynamic is commonly established. ¬†If you are the “runner,” ¬†you will try to escape in some form or another. ¬†Maybe you will stop talking to your soul mate out of the blue, with never another word. ¬†If you are the “stayer,” you will most likely be mystified by the runner’s reasoning for this. ¬†I mean, wow–we are having this incredible, mind-blowing connection, and the runner wants to give that up? ¬†What are the reasons for this? ¬†Well, the reasons can vary but you can bet it has to do with their “issues” that they don’t choose to face at this point in time. ¬†Maybe they are married and don’t want to lose their current partner. ¬†Maybe they are afraid of having such a deep connection (afraid of intimacy and even love.) ¬†Now keep in mind that these roles can reverse, too, whenever there is “stuff” and ¬†issues that come up, because a lot of times, people (including you) may just not want to deal with their “stuff.” Hey, we are human.


But here’s the deal. ¬†Even if they run, or you run, there is no running really, because you remain connected. ¬†All of the signs and symbols continue to happen, even when one cuts ties. ¬†What’s happening is that both of you are feeling the confusion of having your issues laid before you, not knowing what to do about this connection, being blown out of the water, and realizing, that if you want to be together, that would require some major, personal growth or changes.


This is where the separation period comes in. ¬†This can last a long time. ¬†Years, even. ¬†You may play the “push and pull” game for a while. ¬†The purpose of this time, if we use it wisely, is to reflect on ourselves. ¬†To look at what this relationship brings up for us, and to decide what we are going to do about it. ¬†It is a time of deep introspection. ¬†Sometimes, this is good, despite the fact that it feels so wrong and bad, because each of you needs time to get your head together, process the connection, what it is, and what it means. ¬†This is where you and your soul mate process lessons and feelings. ¬†And often, this really needs to be done separately. ¬†Now, all of your issues (or at least some significant ones) have been outed. ¬†You are a little exposed. ¬†Y0u are feeling vulnerable. ¬†Your soul mate may “mirror” you with the exact same issues as you (you are both alcoholics and something needs to be done about that, for example) or the issues can be different but related. ¬†But boy, you will trigger things to be cleared out in one another.


What happens next? ¬†In the case of karmic soul mates, one or both of you will learn the lessons, and slowly move on. ¬†Yes, moving on is possible. ¬†Example of karmic soul mate: ¬†You have been in a relationship for a very long time. ¬†You are vaguely aware that it is really over, but you can’t bring yourself to leave it, because it makes you feel secure in some way, but for all the wrong reasons. ¬†In pops a karmic soul mate. ¬†All of a sudden, you have these intense feelings for someone else, which at minimum, will make you question your long-term relationship. ¬†You meet the soul mate on vacation with some friends. ¬†You are only going to see each other for 2 weeks. ¬†But in that time, you know that this person has changed your life. ¬†You may never talk to them or see them again, but they have done something for you. ¬†You realize that you are holding on to a relationship that is no longer good for you. ¬†Suddenly, you see that abuse has been happening, and you have been justifying that. ¬†So, as a result of this encounter, you decide to make a positive change. ¬†You are not with the soul mate, in fact, you are now alone. ¬†But happier, because you are no longer unhappy with your mate. ¬†You may try to hold on to this soul mate, but you see, they were not meant for that. ¬†Maybe they are in a relationship with someone else. ¬†You learn what you are meant to, and eventually, you are able to move forward.


If you and your soul mate are able to learn from your experience together what you are meant to learn, and you are not karmic soul mates, you may re-unite at some point (when the time is right!) to learn more lessons.  You may re-unite because there is a further purpose for the relationship.  We only know this by going through it.


If one or both of you do not choose to learn from this experience, guess what? ¬†Lessons have a way of coming around again to bite you in the behind. ¬†If we don’t get it the first time around, we often try, try again. ¬†The lessons appear again in another form, or person, and maybe even another soul mate. ¬†So, there is value in doing this self-work. ¬†It may help you to stop repeating negative relationship patterns. ¬†One thing is for sure, if you do the work, you are going to be a stronger, better person. ¬†I guarantee it ūüôā