How to Find a Loving Relationship

Many of my single clients ask me when they will find a partner or how to meet their soul mate.  Many of my female clients speak of feeling an intense desire to find this, particularly if they are reaching the end of their childbearing years.  Definitions aside, what I think people are really looking for in a “soul mate” (beyond a good parent for their offspring) is a healthy, loving relationship, with a person who is a good fit for them.  A totally understandable and very normal  human need.

However, sometimes this human need does have origins and elements of personal issues that need to be worked out.  My intuitive insight is specific for each person, of course, but generally, my first point of advice is to get a handle on any feelings of desperation.  We do spend a lot of time trying to find happiness outside of ourselves, so a big consideration is just being happy with oneself, which is the journey of all of us, really.  This is definitely not something that will generally be encouraged by a culture constantly telling us that the breakfast cereal we eat or the car we buy will magnetize someone to them–a la Axe Body spray.  The general message is one of buy more stuff, or focus more on your personal appearance, and this in turn, makes you happy and therefore attractive to others.  In the new age and spiritual community, the take is different.  Since the law of attraction has hit our culture, we may think that through the power of desire, intention, acting ‘as if’ you already have what you want, creating your own reality through your thoughts, and affirming and visualizing your way to what you want can make it happen for you just like magic.

Let’s look at this law of attraction from a different angle.  If you are in a state of desperately searching for someone, constantly trolling online dating sites to exclusion of other daily functions, and are so worried that you will never find that person, you are focusing on what you feel to be is a very large LACK.  You are focusing negatively on what you do not have and are expending a lot of emotional energy fretting and writhing. Law of attraction aside, I think mostly what this achieves is a state of frustration.  It may not be easy but the first step is to stop the desperation, stop the worry, and even, stop incessantly looking.  If you want to make the law of attraction work for you, and go about your life in a healthier and happier way, then you must examine those feelings of desperation, understand where they are coming from, feel them, and resolve to release them and move on.  Notice I did not say, lock yourself in a closet and repeat “I have found my soul mate, I have found my soul mate,” until you are blue in the face. Any amount of repeated positive affirmations is not going to do squat for you if somewhere in there, in your energy, you are truly, unhappy with yourself and incredibly desperate to fix this through the “other.”

As a psychic, to me energy is everything.  Many people are surprised to find out in readings that energetically, what they thought they were “over,” and had never processed but merely shoved under the rug, is still there.  In some ways, what you resist, do not allow yourself to experience, and suppress, persists.  Clients who are truly interested in finding out where they may be blocking themselves and who do the self work to release these blocks, are going to progress much faster than those who do not wish to deal with their pain, their suffering, their traumas, their childhoods, their emotions, etc.  This is not to place blame on yourself if the partner of your dreams does not show up tomorrow.  But in truth, the only control we have is over ourselves, and our own happiness.  At any point, we can start that process.

The best advice I have, rather than spending your money on books and programs that promise to bring your soul mate to you, is to concentrate on yourself.  This seems a little counter-intuitive, but, it works.  Take an honest look at yourself.  Are you happy with who you are?  Are you still carrying negative self talk in your brain?  These issues are all very important, irrespective of your search for a partner, and these are lifelong issues to consider.  However, working through things and becoming happier, and loosening your grip on your “must have a partner” mantra is going to help you attract just what you need, and learn a lot along the way.

What do I mean by this? I mean be the person you want to see and to attract.  We are in constant relationship in our lives, to our pets, to the planet, to ourselves, to our bosses, to everything.  By being the “change you want to see,” you are  improving your relationship with the entire cosmos.  But cultivating a good heart vis-a-vis ALL of your relationships, you are raising your vibration, and by raising your vibration you are happy….no matter who or what comes along, or doesn’t. 🙂

Raising your vibration and clearing your baggage also does attract a new energy to you.  It makes it more likely that the kind of person you want will find you.  Of course, we can’t be doing it just for that reason.  We have to do it for ourselves.  This is a process of SELF-LOVE.

How can we do this?  By developing your most cherished talents and abilities and giving these back to the world.  Look at your soul—who are you?  What are you here to give to others?  What makes you excited and feeling good about your life?  One little secret is, that by feeling purposeful by helping others, and by giving, we receive more than we could ever imagine.  Go out and pursue the things that interest you.  Get involved with others.  Give what you are meant to give to this world to make it a better place.  Then guess what happens when you are an animal lover and you decide to start volunteering at your local animal shelter?  Not only are you happy with the time you are spending in your life, you are also around others who love animals as you do.  You connect more with those who are on your wavelength.  You feel less isolated, more purposeful, and happy.  And then one day… make friends, and you find your awesome animal lover dude, or dude-et!

Work through your blocks and work on your issues and “stuff.”  If you need help, ask for it.  It is often very helpful to work on understanding and releasing things with a therapist, with a friend, with spiritual practitioners.  Specifically, work on being clear of your relationship baggage. Let go of the past!! Be ready to open your heart and love again!  Many of us, because of tough experiences we have had, close down our hearts.  We try to protect ourselves from the love we want because we fear pain.  But, pain is a part of life.  It can strengthen you, and you can grow from those experiences.  You would never be the person you are now, without having gone through everything that has been hard for you.  Does this mean that once you open your heart again, that your relationship will be pain-free and that person will never hurt you? No, that is not possible.  You will be hurt.  But you will also love.  If you don’t take the risk to love, your heart is hurting, you are disconnected, you shut down, and you do not allow the love that you want. How’s that for a regret?

You can also have a spiritual focus and be authentic in your life.  This helps you to deal with challenges that come your way.  Being yourself, a life-long lesson for many, can bring you so much happiness in itself.  And if you are not yourself, and are living someone else’s life proscribed for you, then how can you expect to attract anyone who can see the real you?

Listen to your intuitions about people and follow them!! But note, that we don’t listen to our intuitions in order to be pain-free.  There is no such thing as pain-free.  Stop looking for that, it is not realistic.  But you can listen to what your heart is saying.  And, allow yourself to get really clear on this.  Do I want this, or don’t I?

Intention, visualization, affirmations, etc can help but YOU must be ready on a soul level, YOU must do the work.  Having an intention that is positive is great, but intentions must be backed up by actions.  Visualization and affirmations are great, they are tools you can use to affirm the work you have already done.  But the work happens inside you.  There are simply, no quick fixes, magical cures, spells, potions, prayers, or mojo that is going to do your work for you.  No psychic in the world is going to re-unite you with your ex, or do some hocus pocus on you that is going to solve your problems.  I think that what the law of attraction does, is attract what is resonating with your energy, and your energy is deeper than a 5 minute affirmation.  You must believe what you are affirming, truly, deep down in your guts.

Finally, believe that it is possible, and let the universe do the rest.  Let go, and trust that what you need in life, comes to you in the way it needs to on the time schedule that best suits everyone.

Elements of a Healthy Relationship

Maybe this post won’t attract as much attention as those on twin flames and soul mates, which may or may not, actually be a healthy relationship!  I do think it is very important to know what is healthy, if your relationship is not, maybe these are points you can start with.  I have read a lot, and have seen a lot, of twin flames, or soul mates, who will justify other’s behaviors and allow themselves to be destroyed by someone because they are your soul mate, or twin flame.  SELF-LOVE, that is what we forget in these situations, and that’s pretty much all I have to say.
These are things you can only change about yourself.  You cannot change another person, without the express free will and desire on their part, and then THEIR ACTION, to change.  The best person for you to worry about is yourself, because you can change yourself.  If your relationship is not healthy, you have a few choices.  You both work TOGETHER on it, or you don’t engage in the unhealthy behavior.  And sometimes it does mean that the nature of the relationship must change, or the relationship needs to end.  Yes, I said…end.  Relationships are not a failure necessarily just because they change or end.  It may not be that simple to do, but in theory, it really is that simple.  🙂
Do you have……
  • Mutual respect
  • Moving towards unconditional love and acceptance
  • Realistic and accepting of faults and imperfections, not overly romanticized
  • No ignoring and no need to chase, no running
  • VERY LITTLE emotional abuse, verbal, or physical ( abuse is not ok, that being said, we are not perfect, it is not abuse just because you disagree)
  • Very little ego games and emotional manipulation
  • Willingness to learn and understand the other, compassion
  • Commitment in some form, effort is shown and reciprocated
  • Allows you to grow individually, not only when together, relationship is a priority but does not take over your life
  • Agreements are kept
  • You can say no!
  • They act like they care and so do you! It is nurturing, comfortable and fun
  • Emotions are dealt with in a real way, no need for drama, conflicts and differences are managed without major despair and threats
  • Communication of wants, needs, feelings without shame
  • Honesty
  • Compatibility
  • You are BOTH healthy enough to be able to love (ex:  someone who is addicted to drugs or alcohol has no business doing anything but turning an immediate emergency supply of love to themselves, FIRST)
  • You don’t need the relationship to be happy or a whole person.

If you want a relationship like this, BE the person you wanna SEE.  It is mostly about your ability to BE love and a loving person, when you are able to do this, and love yourself, you will attract someone who can mirror these qualities back to you, eventually!